Make "New" Mean "Useful"

Today, we are living in a state of constant and never ending change. Attention spans have reached an all time low and everyone is in a constant phase of searching for something new. You see it all the time, from people immediately checking phones when getting in line at the supermarket, to talking on cell phones at the gym, to not being away from Instagram, Twiiter or Snap Chat when watching a movie, out at dinner or having drinks with friends. This search of "new" goes beyond the emotional realm and is readily found in the physical form as well. Whenever a new car model, cell phone, TV or appliance come out it's always featuring "new" this or "new" that. That's all well and good but if the actual “new” features are changes for the sake of changing or primarily vanity driven, then what’s the point of making the changes in the first place?      
​I understand companies want to make more money but when companies started making that their driving force over product improvement, I started to seriously question what I was spending my money on. At first, this seemed like a bubble idea, where companies would come up with a great new product and then proceed to milk it dry for along as possible until the bubble burst. And it was. People would buy the new product in masses for a while and like seeing Kiss live in concert, the first show is amazing but as the years go by and the line up changes and gets older and jigglier, it turns into a been there done that experience. Thank you very much I don’t need to spend anymore money on the seventh Farewell “Man Cellulite” Tour. But unlike Kiss, the big consumer companies realized this and instead of running a product totally into the ground, they made them so they would be linked up to essentially every part of your life. Bringing you and their product into a codependent relationship that runs about as smoothly as an floundering marriage. This caused the the consumer to “need” the new version of the product rather than “wanting” it. Therefore, making the company not really giving a damn whether the changes are in line with the wants and needs of it’s customers.     Once this shift of making a product, milking a product and causing a need for the new product happened, it not only took over the consumer product industry but has taken over the service industry, the travel industry and pretty much any other industry where money is to be made. The airline industry, in my mind is one of the biggest culprits. They create a brand that offers state of the art airplanes, with the best service and the best routes. Make a reputation for going above and beyond to get people to where their going in as much comfort as possible. Then milk it for as long as possible. Even when new upstarts start creeping in, it’s no matter because they already have all the routes and frequent fliers to still make money. And what revenue is lost, they’ll milk some more by making the experience worse for the consumer by cramming in more seats, up charging for everything and using fewer planes causing more delays. But these companies could care less because as long as they have the routes and the frequent fliers, they're still making money. And if they happen to lose money, they’ll just merge with another big, crap airline and make a mega mutant suck airline.      
This really hits home with me because growing up, my mom worked for, at the time, biggest airline in the business. This was at a time when it seemed the airline actually cared about it’s customers, employees and reputation. Even during it’s down fall, I stood loyal to them even though it had become shabby, with frequent delays and mechanicals. Eventually, after being stranded in Tokyo and having to buy new ticket on a different airline,  I vowed to never fly them again.     
Even though flying isn’t what it used to be, there’s still a side of me that enjoys getting whisked away high above the clouds to a new place far away. Even if the plane is dingy, the flight attendants salty and the mass of humanity overbearing, I can still feel what it used to be like and take comfort in the fantasy that it may one day come back. A few years back, for the first time in many years, I got genuinely excited about flying because I found out I would be flying on a brand new 787 Dreamliner from Boston to Tokyo. Granted my seat number was 97 Q and the flight was scheduled for 14 hours but hopefully being a new plane would make the flight slightly more bearable. Also, after a layover of a couple of hours in Tokyo, I would be continuing onto Vietnam on an old, slightly refurbished 767, giving me the chance to do a little comparison.     
A few days before take-off my excitement had slightly diminished when I read an article saying that the fine people over at the airline I would be flying had decided to make the seats of the 787 more streamlined and form fitting than their old seats but in the process, had reduced their overall size. AKA: let's squeeze as many seats in the plane as possible and in order for the customers to not feel screwed, we'll tell them the seats are more streamlined for their comfort. Kind of like a sports car I presume? After reading this, let’s just say my slight hope for a more comfortable flight sank like a turd in a pool.      By the time the departure morning arrived I was as limbered and mentally prepared for the next 24 hours as one could possibly be. But just to be totally sure, I  arrived at the airport a couple of hours early, and hit the bar. This is generally part of my pre-flight routine, unless of course my flight is at 6am, which is rarely because early morning flights are just another term for masochistic torture. Another part of the bar routine is coming up with a spacing plan between cocktails. The ideal flight is to be happily buzzed by the time the flight attendants come around with the first beverage service and then to pace yourself to stay in that state until you land. You don't want to be under buzzed because then you won't be relaxed and you don't want to go over the limit into slightly drunk because that will either lead to being totally drunk or hungover, both being suboptimal when flying.     So there I was at the airport bar trying to figure a game plan for a 14 hour flight. To the uninitiated this is like being the coach of El Salvador trying to make a game plan to play Germany in the World Cup. You know that the chances are less than zero that you'll win, so your plan is to somehow keep the game as competitive as possible and do your best not get blown out and embarrassed. One of my general rules is stay away from beer and stick with mixed drinks. This rule is three fold. First, beer will make you pee more which means being that douche constantly crawling over people to get out of your seat. Second, it's also an economical decision as once on the plane, a cocktail costs the same as a beer so you might as well get more booze for your buck. And third, beer will bloat you and the last thing you want is to spend half the flight uncomfortably holding back beer farts and foamy burps.     
However, on this occasion I called an audible and figured it would be best to have a couple of beers at the bar and then once on the plane, I would cruise through the flight with scotch on the rocks with an occasional beer thrown in. The reasoning behind this was that I had an aisle seat so a beer buzz to start would get me loosened up and I wouldn't have to crawl over anyone to get to the toilet. Also, scotch on the rocks is something I can sip at for an extended period of time like an old man sipping hot soup at the Wendy's salad bar. And then I'd throw in a beer here and there just to throw the flight attendants a curveball so they wouldn't think I was gonna turn into Gary Busey at any minute.     After my bar beers, I boarded the plane and the first thing you notice is how much sleeker everything is and how it had that new plane smell. The main positive developments you notice is that the overhead bins are higher up and at angle so you're not constantly ducking and banging your head every time you get out of your seat. They also did away with pull down blinds on the windows and had it replaced with a push button tinting system and the bathrooms were nicer not only because they were new but they seemed less cramped and everything system to be placed more conveniently, rather than haphazardly clumped in one spot. By the time got to my seat, two rows from the last, the freshness of the plane along with my two beer buzz was making me feel slightly up lifted. As I was about to take my seat, the guy in the seat next to mine asked if I would switch with his wife? I looked over and saw that his wife was sitting at a window seat and although I wanted to help them out, I knew it would be cramped for my 6'2" frame. I was about to decline the offer, when I noticed that in the seat next to the guys wife was an extremely attractive young lady, who could've if she wasn't already, a model. With that, I told the guy "Would I!" And was over at my new seat before the guys wife could get out.      
I noticed the older lady was having trouble getting out of her seat and it seemed like it was a cross between her being older and my new model friend not getting out of her seat to let her out. I thought this was a bit strange but who knows maybe she was a nervous flyer and was holding in a fart? Once the lady got out, I leaned in and in my finest James Bond impersonation, excused myself while pointing that I needed to get to my new seat. The young ladies response was to give zero acknowledgement of my presence and after a few beats of realizing I wasn't moving, ever so slightly move her knees about a bees dick length to the left. I tried to give her a "WTF" look but she wouldn't make eye contact. So I did what any good gentleman would do and that's throw my bag onto my seat and do the leap frog while just nearly skimming my ass against her face. This too got zero response from her. By now I knew I'd made a poor choice of switching seats and couldn't tell if this girl was a human tree or a new version of a Real Doll?     
When I got situated a few minutes later, the first thing I noticed was, yes the seat was definitely smaller and no it wasn't more streamlined to contour my body, making me feel like I wasn't old enough to sit in an adult chair. The TV screen was HD and big enough to cover most of the seat back from the tray table up. It could also be operated by a control on the armrest or by touch screen, which was cool  and amazingly the two operated glitch free. In addition to the hardware layout, they also did a fine job with the software and gave a very good variety of movies, TV shows, music and games to keep one entertained for as long as possible. At this point I was thinking, If the designers had just stopped there, it would have been great, especially considering it was coach. The problem is they didn't stop there and decided to get all grad school with the rest of the design.      
The first useless addition was a fold up footrest!? I mentioned how the seats were smaller, which also includes the legroom and the space under the seat in front of you. So assuming you're taller than you're average jockey, you will notice the footrest by accident because shortly after take off you will start to wonder what that pressure is up against your shins? Only to look down and find it's a folded up "T-Bar" metal footrest. Your first thought is "WTF" and "Why the hell did they put a footrest in a space the size of a child's booster seat? This is followed by some aggravation before going to unfold it, only to find that that makes it even more useless. In order to do this, you have to pull your legs to your chest (like your performing a cannonball in a pool) so it can unfold past your shins. This leads you to being stuck in that position because the footrest will only go a third of the way down before it hits your bag, which will be inevitable because unless your bag is a can of soup, it will be sticking out. This makes you more aggravated because you have to flip the footrest back up and sit on an angle with only one butt cheek in your seat at a time so the footrest will only press up against one shin at a time.     The next useless addition is a small knob next to the TV screen. At first you don't know what it is and start twisting it and pulling at and pressing it with nothing happening. Then you sit back and stare at it confused for a while like the guys from Hangover 2 when they discover Mr. Chow's dong. I started looking around the cabin and noticed one lady was trying to use it as a coat hanger. She was about the size of a glorified garden gnome and her coat still couldn't get past her knees and plopped down in her lap. To this day, I'm assuming it's a coat hanger/blanket holder hybrid knob. Meaning you put your coat on it and drape it up to ur shoulders if you want to try and pass out at some point with a cover.     
The last little nugget of innovation I came across was a folded up cup holder on the back of the folded up tray table. On first impression, this seemed like a really nice idea. You're sitting there enjoying a film or television show and you have a cocktail but you don't want the whole tray table down so you retract your little cup holder and voila you can enjoy your cocktail and film and don't have to have the tray table down and worry about turbulence knocking it over. That was until beverage service started and when I tried to utilize this device, the cup they gave me was too big for the opening and  only fit in about a half inch. This leaves for a nerve wracking experience because the half inch of the bottom of the cup that's hanging out is about a quarter of an inch from your knee, so one arrant sneeze or fart will send your cocktail flying in the air like a just exploded water ballon.     Having noticed this, I took the drink out of the holder and put it on the tray, until I had to use the facilities. Knowing that the human tree wasn't about to uproot and foreseeing an impending disaster, I got up,  balanced my self with one arm on my seat, pulled both my legs clear of the holder, while putting it down and placing my beverage in the holder with out spilling a drop. All the while making a 180 degree twisting leap frog over the human tree (this time nearly hitting her face with my gentleman's region) and into the aisle for a perfect landing. I looked over and the East German judge held up a 10.      
When I finished with the facilities, I waited in the aisle for a little while to stretch, while at the same time hoping that maybe the human tree would get up at some point. Sadly, she stayed planted and after 20 minutes or so returned to my seat. I tried to get the human trees attention but she just kept staring blankly at her TV screen, which was now turned off. So, I eyed the East German judge before going for the move I made previously but in reverse. Leading with my left foot, I started the 180 (ass just missing her face, starting to think she's just a perv), swung my right leg over clearing the beverage, plop in my seat and then my plant leg (left leg) was unstable on my bag strap and it slid hitting the bottom of my cocktail. The glass tumbled in the air in slow motion while I thought "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" It's contents staying firmly in the glass while it did a few somersaults before exploding on impact directly in my crotch, drenching my whole seat and ass. The East German judge solemnly shook his head in shame and held up a 2.5 without making eye contact.     
The next 15 minutes was spent trying to convince a flight attendant that no I'm not drunk and I did not pee my pants and that yes, I essentially soberly knocked my drink in my lap and I needed a towel to clean it up and yes, I need a fresh cocktail. At first, she seemed confused that a grown man would dump a drink in his lap but after some pantomiming, she seemed to understand and got me some towels. She also noticed how I was awkwardly bending over the human tree as she just sat there still as a totem pole and emotionless and attempted to get her to move. I just kind of thanked her and waived her off and made a pill popping motion and she nodded looking a bit concerned and left to get my drink. The remaining ten hours of the flight I sat there with a scotch soaked ass and crotch as if on a long ride home from the beach with out changing out of your bathing suit. By the time I got off the plane, my pants still weren't totally dry and was getting suspicious looks from local law enforcement personal. This wasn't help by the fact that I wreaked of a grimy distillery and was walking funny as I was trying to get the blood flowing back to my legs.  Eventually I cleared customs and was able to go to the bathroom and , to bemusement of fellow travelers, dry my crotch under the hand dryer.     
​The point of all of this is to show to manufacturers and designers that most of what you come up with is not new or innovative and when designing something the question of "Will this ultimately be useful," needs to be asked and seriously tested and contemplated. And if after extensive thought and testing, the answer is "No, it's ultimately useless and could result in a guy flying for 10 hours with scotch in his crotch and bruises on his shins" realize that it's okay to omit them and leave your product as is with a nicer, newer and more efficient TV screen and entertainment package. People do want new but they want it in an upgraded and more efficient version of the previous model. Want we don't want is new crap just for the sake of calling it "new" with little regard to whether or not it's more useful...when it usually isn't..